Is it the process or the product

The semester winds to a close and I begin to reflect back on all the time spent this past semester. Working on class, working on study groups, working on a prelimary project, working on a relationship, working on staying in shape, working on meals, working on falling asleep....working, working, working.

I am tired.

You know what's interesting? How we create ourself for the world through language. For example this semester's been hugely productive (hence the work). Do you feel my tone becoming upbeat with the new sentence construction? I've enjoyed the transition to feeling familiar enough in Burlington to start relaxing and trusting my friendships. It's interesting how I now know ever turn and aisle at Shaw's on Shelburne road, I know when all the yoga classes happen (5:40 versus 5:45 to give a little extra time), where to get coffee (with cash or when you only have a credit card), and various other insider secrets that develop with time. Most importantly I have a few very important friends in my life who help me affirm reality and direct me toward my life aspirations....It's important to keep those social/environmental anchors close in your life rather than toss yourself into the winds (at least for me). I'm ready to be "home".

One more before bed.

Lucky Duck.

Holiday Cards! You make me soooo happy!

Making cards last night with Patti and Laura was just about the most creative fun I've had in many years. I loved it!

Glue, glitter, patterns, tacks, scissors, and no bake cookies to top the experience off!

It's so easy to live life in patterns -- good or bad we get in trends that make the day pass.

I want to build more color in my life.

16 days until the move

The end of the semester approaches, bringing numerous challenges to time management and perserverance. Rather than contemplate the end of my 2.5 years in Vermont -- I'd rather turn toward new plans in Oregon! New plans to have time for relaxation on the weekends (or at least recreation) and a balanced schedule where I get to eat home cooked meals. I want to rest my head on Matt's shoulder and sleep. I want to spend time in the garden with the sun on my back. I want to ride my bike out in the fields and journey to the Wallowas to hike, climb, and maybe get back into telemark skiing. I want to visit my family on the weekends. I want to make cards as a hobby! I will be able to live! :)

Another window

This afternoon I went to the gentlest celebration for my friend Peter who recently completed medical school (well the first 4 years before moving on to his residency). I went early to Diane's to help tape the candy bars on her classic candy bar cards (with phrases such as: "we always new he was a BIG HUNK", or "It will still be a few years before his first 100 GRAND", and "We hope his life will be be a SYMPHONY and full of GOOD & PLENTY"). Erica (Peter's mom) taped the 3 poster board sheets over the fireplace mantle and everyone enjoyed the card (and was able to hold back from eating the 20 candy bars).

The house was beautiful (the yard breathtaking, all types of trees in bloom, beautifully placed stones lining the path to the front porch, and a bright purple park bench centered perfectly in a grassy round) and those inside were living life so fully! BJ Rush pursing his Masters' in teaching, George Lee with a wife and 2 children working on his PhD in Geochemistry with research in Chili (Marcus Lee working for Patty Murray in Washington, DC), Kyle successfully managing his construction business with his brother Brian, Andrew Lembrick working for H&H, Peter (the man of honor) with his recent MD and a trip monday with his girlfriend Mary to the Phillipeans (I hope that's correct)....and the adults being kind and bright with their own successes (Diane completing here Masters' and raising Mark who is now 17!!!!!, Erica's sister sailing around the world, Gloria Howell with her kind Grandmother's smile and praise).

A rekindling of friendships and the possibilities for new connections and new beginnings. And damn good food. :)

Being hard on yourself?

Why do some people have a tendency to punish themselves despite living a life of general success? (note that the third person generally implicates first person perspectives.) I just googled "How do you stop being hard on yourself" and found that being hard on yourself seems to be a pretty common trend in the world. Upward or downward comparison aside -- the spin you place on language and perception can make any reference to other fit your mood.

So what did my dad suggest?

http://www.despair.com/viewall.html (I recommend buying the coffee cup)

or go to http://www.flickr.com/ and select "Explore Flickr" then hit More interesting photos from "the last 7 days" :). You will be amazed at the beauty.

So distraction is the key. Or somehow finding a way to help you reference your reality (call someone, go for a walk, bake something, write a card, worship, do yoga, read, breath, sing, dance, brush your hair, smile, smile, smile again). Erin said something so wise before I left Vermont, which I'm going to manipulate and apply for my own purposes and meaning...I think my goal this summer will to try to be China (glacial in pace and perspective, meaning slow and steady wins the race and as such stay consistent and motivated) rather than the US (done yesterday or don't do it at all).

Anyway. I feel much better now.

The Columbia River Gorge

It's hard to imagine a more comforting place than the Columbia River Gorge. Maybe it's the towering green hills, the river front revitalized towns, or the fact that I spent the first 18 years of my life maturing in this region. Or it might also be the fact that I've recently earned my Master's degree and I'm waiting for my summer job to start (read: vacation), or that I'm finally close enough to my family and boyfriend to get more hugs in a day than I've had over the course of the past year, or perhaps it's just the peace of beautiful skies, breath-taking views, hikes around each bend (the majority being on public property), smiles from strangers, rough one finger waves (the pointer not the middle) when driving, and clean crisp mountain air. Despite the source of my joy and content, this is my favorite place on earth (but don't plan to move here if you're from California...it's not that good ;)).

Anyway. The road trip across the USA will happen later (see previous post). I chose the fast route home via Delta Airlines so that I could settle in and enjoy the Columbia Gorge (and those good people in my life who live near it) for as much time as possible this summer. There will always be big choices ahead....but I am breathing deeply in my ability to relax and enjoy the peace of the present moment. My identity is already set here in the Gorge: intelligent, motivated, kind, and hard working to name a few descriptors. There is definitely something calming about feeling nothing to prove.

Charlotte Covered Bridges 1/2 Marathon

13.1 miles on Vermont farm roads and 2 covered bridges later I finish my first 1/2 marathon. I came in runner 116 out of 166, finishing the entire race in 2:05:55 (that's a 9.58 minute mile!!). I thought my lungs were going to burst and that my knees would never greet another set of stairs without pain -- but... :) I feel great now! Here are links to a few photos (http://www.skipix.com/images.php3?event=Covered_Bridges_Half_3) and to the a Vermont race webpage for future enthusiasts (http://www.racevermont.com/schedule.php). The key for training is to look at http://www.halhigdon.com/ for training programs and to use http://www.favoriterun.com/ to locate routes of appropriate length. Good luck if you pursue it....I hear there's another nice 1/2 marathon on the San Juan Islands in June, check out http://www.sanjuanislandmarathon.com/ for additional details!

A Journey Begins

Or at least the planning stages a drive across country: Burlington, Vermont to the Columbia Gorge, Washington State. I bought the "Delux Road Master Atlas" today at Barnes and Noble. 144 pages, all 50 states along with Canadian provinces and parts of Mexico. Yesterday I googled for "routes across the USA" and came up with the following interesting sites:

http://www.roadtripusa.com/

http://www.charm.net/~jdholmes/america/usaroute.html

Any suggestions?

Time VI 

Time V 

Time IV 

Time III 

time II 

time. 

home. 

XL

Only love has brought us to the world:
Beauty finds itself, and we are found.

All time, all places, call - here, not here:
no mirror finds the truth but in itself.

To know - what do we know? To worship -
emptiness takes us into its craving.

Any trace, glimpse, whatever flickers -
that's all we have, known or not known.

Held by the word, targeted here in openness,
Earth receives the sky bent forever in greeting.

Translated from Urdu by William Stafford
from Poems by Ghalib (1969).

Pearl. Happy Easter and a Naming Ceremony

Yesterday I went to my first Jewish naming ceremony. My friend's Jena and Greg (along with their daughter Aviva) orcastrated a beautiful welcome into the world for their second daugter Pearl Renner Luna Strong. Family and friends gathered together to create a moment and mark the miracle that brought this new beauty into the world. Jena and Greg read notes to Pearl written when she was still in the womb, they spoke of their desire to have the community share in her development, we all sang songs in Hebrew to welcome her to the earth and then sealed the moment with toast of wine. I don't think I had ever been a part of a ceremony that was so humble yet placing.

Kristin (the woman serving as the "guide" for the ceremony) said the most amazing word in Hebrew. This word means "that would have been enough". Kristin said that if Jena and Greg had only been paired in marriage, that would have been enough. Yet they chose to have their first child Aviva, and that would have been enough. Yet now they have brought a second child into the world, which is also enough. I breathe deep wondering what it would feel like to be so held by the concept of enough and knowing that your actions to create family and a community (without fame, global recognition, or profound fortune) are enough.

After the ceremony I called an ex-boyfriend because I'd been reminded of a poem that I rediscovered after 9 years through our relationship (see the next post). He's engaged.

Later in the day I made eggs with Rob and Jill then hid plastic eggs around the yard. I watched them run and wrestle as they gathered all 12. In the teekee torch, under the artist's conch, inside a narled stump, beside the flower in the grass, inside the desk, on the windowsill, hidden in the mailbox, tucked beneath an oil can, set in the crook of the fence, resting on the "y" of a tree branch, and two other locations I can't recall. Rob with 7, Jill with 5 (he passed one over to even the spoils). I felt young and if I was part of something -- the creation of memory? the perpetuation of cultural meaning? smiles, laughter, and life?

mmm. 26. Who is not searching for purpose and meaning? Matthew. Family. Beautiful space. Thank you for this life.

26 and 2 days

On Monday I celebrated my 26th birthday. It was a great day! I woke up to back-to-back "Happy Birthday" serenades on my cell phone and closed the evening with a small gathering of friends. At the celebration Rob suggested that everyone in attendance made a wish for my year ahead before blowing out their respective candles on each piece of german chocolate cake (or pumpkin bread). I thought I'd post this blog to give people an opportunity to share their wish for me in the comments section (I'm interested to know in what the year has in store...)!

Begin it now.

From The Scottish Himalayan Expedition, by W.N. Murray. The last five lines are one of Goethe’s couplets.

"Until one is committed, there is always hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: The moment one commits oneself, then providence moves too. Multitudes of things occur to help that which otherwise could never occur. A stream of events issues from the decision, raising to one's favor all manner of unforeseen accidents, meetings, and material assistance which no one could have dreamed would come their way:

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."

mmmm....brain! 

Lake Champlain February 2005. A preview of ice for the Penguin Plunge! 

The Penguin Plunge (no really, the water's cold!)

It's true...mid February with average temperatures hovering around the mid 20s and forecasts of snow, yet since 1996 around 800 individuals in Burlington, Vermont annually break the ice and jump in Lake Champlain to raise money for the Special Olympics. I heard about this fiasco last year and decided that I couldn't pass up the opportunity to experience true Vermont culture as the 5th member of the "Dewey Do-Gooders" UVM psychology graduate program team....

True to form, the air was brisk but the sun was shining and the pre/post preparation tents were heated (not to mention the coat of vaseline on my body in combination with my saucy little pirate costume enhanced the experience). I don't remember anything -- beyond seeing the water's edge and committing to going in -- but Matthew said I looked pissed! Selective memory aside, you can check out a fairly honest testimonial published in the Burlington Free Press the Sunday after the Plunge. Be it a superhero costume or swamp wench -- that water was damn cold!!

http://www.burlingtonfreepress.com/apps/

pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060212/
NEWS02/602120306/1007

To participate in the plunge next year visit: http://www.penguinplunge.org/

And, for strategic costume planning check out the play by play pictures available at: http://www.skipix.com/recentevents_list.htm

Happy Valentine's Day 2006

Today and the past weekend have been full of love.
I am so gracious to how good my life feels right now. :)
I feel really happy (in the sense of being content and moving in a positive direction toward my life plan).

Thank you.
I'm just going to post a collection of pictures to capture the past few days.

Windows. 

mmmm....cookies!

Valentines day is fast approaching.
I went over to Kristie's house last night
to make a batch of preparatory love cookies
with Leslie and David.
Here are some of my favorites.

And...only 5 more days until Matthew arrives.

Postcard Secrets

I first saw this site a year ago:

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

And this morning while exercising I saw a number of the secrets displayed in a music video on MTV and decided to revisit. The blog says, "each secret can be a regret, hope, funny experience, unseen kindness, fantasy, belief, fear, betrayal, erotic desire, feeling, confession, or childhood humiliation. Reveal anything - as long as it is true and you have never shared it with anyone before." These posts are art and emotion.

What's a secret you've never told anyone? mmmm. :)

Daisies. Simple is Beautiful. 

Trouble sleeping

Last night I think there was something on the wind. In bed by 9:30, but I couldn't sleep. I read for an hour in The Prodical Summer by Barbara Kingsolver, then got up around 11:45 to scan for summer jobs on the Society for Conservation Biology website. Back in bed by 1:00...still no sleep. Called my brother, drank some milk, thought of Matthew. Didn't want to blog - so I opened my journal for the first time in 2 months (to the day!) and found this quote:

to be present where
one is

is the simple story
of one's life.

Ask Me

Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden; and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that hold the stillness exactly before us.
what the river says, that is what I say.

William Stafford

Is it appropriate to say...

"White girls do yoga to find peace and black women shake their shit."

Anonymous

I just came back from the most amazing performance by Step Afrika. 4 men, 2 females just hammering out the beat with their feet, hands, and bodies. How do you move like that? What energy runs through veins beating with life and sound? I clapped in rhythm and felt happy.

My body and mind feel so different after that. Buzzing energy surrounds me. Thank you women for your moves. Thank you men and women for sharing your place in things. Check it out, then make it happen http://www.stepafrika.com/

The clouds above us join and separate
The breeze in the couryard leaves and returns.
Life is like that, so why not relax?
Who can stop us from celebrating?
Lu Yu

A case of the maybies

For some reason I woke angry this morning and irritable. I've cycled through my mind trying to attribute why: Is it because Chris will be leaving for Maine soon and a friendship chapter will be closed? Because dirty dishes made loudly last night at 10:30pm when I was trying to fall asleep were still in the sink this morning? Perhaps because it's still snowing and I don't feel comfortable driving to the gym where I hoped to pound out my mood on the treadmill? Maybe it's the $400 ticket home I want to buy for Spring Break and the frustration that so much money must be used to get to where I want to be? Or maybe it's confusion over what's next -- after earning the masters do I stay or ditch the program...can I face the apparent uncertainty and ambiguity of setting out again? Or maybe I feel angry at my anger and uncertainty? It might also be the final paper for my Belize class and the fear of imperfection that's nagging at my mind.

Even last night I was angry. And on and off through out the day. Maybe it's because I started taking birth control again yesterday and I'm anxious how it will react with my body (and if it will be similar to college where I began wondering about thighs and having greater mood swings than usual).

Maybies. David would say: Is there anything wrong with this moment?

Ah, there is nothing wrong with this moment -- but this moment always leaves. And in its space is new possibility and new vulnerability. In its place comes choices.

This dialogue is my process of meaning making. Robert Kegan in his book, The Evolving Self: Problem and Process in Human Development, points out that the zone of mediation where meaning is made is called by personality psychologists the "ego," the "self," or the "person". Further he writes, "This book is about human being as an activity. It is not about the doing which a human does; it is about the doing which a human is...being a person is the activity of meaning-making."

Sometimes meaning making alone is too much for me. We need others to tether our process and affirm patterns and trends. We need others to know that our meaning making is worthy. In fact, if reality can only be experienced in relation to others -- is this not also the case with meaning? Kegan writes, "Meaning depends on someone who recognizes you. No meaning, by definition, is utterly lonely."

And so perhaps I'm just lonely? Craving physical contact in the form of a hug or a body to sleep next to. Or daily opportunities to process with another in proximity. I wonder if there are other ways to satisfy that chemical need within the body since Matt is still 2 weeks away? Maybe I will go shovel snow?

Why I Wake Early

Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who make the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety –

best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.

Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.
- Mary Oliver

I'm starting a new routine to improve my sleeping pattern. Infants sleep between 12-20 hours a day and the majority of young adults need between 8-9. I like positive moods, accurate memories, and good health. It goes like this: in bed between 9:30 - 10:00pm (read, journal, breathe), lights out by 10:30-11:00pm, sleep until 6:30 - 7:30am.

Ease awake. Practice gratefulness. Plan ahead.

Mary Oliver might be the greatest modern day poet of presencing alive. Let us all find a prayer for being each morning. Please follow this link to another of my favorite poems by her, "Mindful" http://www.panhala.net/Archive/Mindful.html

Be here now. 

A blog is born

When I first began to think about creating a blog -- I wondered what it would be like to have an online relationship with myself. Specifically a relationship that anyone in the general population could potentially see. Do you look at the product with self love? disdain? pride? I thought that if Matthew and I ever broke up this would be my testimate to how I'd lived the day. A way to measure the passing of time and to validate the act of being. More than the journal that sits by my bedside, this would be a document shared with the world that proclaims: I am alive! I am worthy of space! Yet beneath the surface confidence would be the subtle questions...Um, do you still like me? Is what I'm doing enough?

The birth of "Four Seasons" comes after a year long gestation period in Burlington, Vermont. During this time I endured (enjoyed?) the passage of a 9 month winter, 3 week mud season, 2 month summer, and a quick eye blink of fall. "Four Seasons" emerges today with the push to create a final reflection paper for a graduate level course I took to Belize (Central America) during the 2005-2006 Christmas break and the realization that I need anchoring to embrace the dynamic pace of my changing life.

So begins the practice of being. Eckhart Tolle writes in Practicing the Power of Now (p. 100):

In the state of enlightenment, you are yourself -- "you" and "yourself" merge into one. You do not judge yourself, you do not feel sorry for yourself, you are not proud of yourself, you do not love yourself, you do not hate yourself, and so on. The split caused by self-reflective consciousness is healed, its curse removed. There is no "self" that you need to protect, defend, or feed anymore.

When you are enlightened, there is one relationship that you no longer have: the relationship with yourself. Once you have given that up, all your other relationships will be love relationships.

Eckhart would likely have a few words to say regarding my thoughts in the opening paragraph. Perhaps then, as practice of mindfulness and surrender, this blog can be a routine manifestation of being across the four seasons. Rather than a carefully constructed image of the ego this blog will share the bare essentials: thoughts that arise, poetry or art that strikes an emotional cord, and a daily space for the celebration of breath.